the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I believe in your delicious
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
