You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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