There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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