you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
