you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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