My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
