I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
