i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
foreskin is a definite game changer
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Randomize
