I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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