i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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