I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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