i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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