Soap is not a condiment
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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