Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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