Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
