just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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