Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
