I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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