I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
