i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
