i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
