I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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