we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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