so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
