First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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