On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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