I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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