she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
