Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
