dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
