she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
