mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
me + whiskey = a bad person
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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