never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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