i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
