New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
