best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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