Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
