Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
