: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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