we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
