It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
