This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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