My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
