what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
