Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
