...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
