no, he came in my armpit
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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