Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
