I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
