I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
