you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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