the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
