so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
