Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
